12.11.08

much happier today

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:31 pm by rachel

that’s about it really – feeling good again. 🙂

12.10.08

thought for the day

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:32 pm by rachel

Peter dumped me seven years ago, after a five year relationship, by text message – right around this time of year as it happens. I mention this because while I’m ok now, and it normally feels like it happened to a different person, the whole break up feeling has revisited me via facebook in the form of a friend request from him and I’m feeling hurt, humiliated, ugly, angry.. like I’ve been kicked in the stomach all over again.

Needless to say, I’ve decided that I don’t need friends like him. 

Burly’s been wonderful to me – I told him how upset I was about it last night and he was so kind to me. I need to focus on that – out of all the pain and sadness of that horrible year, came the chance to go out with Burly and be happier than I thought possible. I’m the lucky one.

12.03.08

the long days which never end

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:34 pm by rachel

I am not unemployed – not quite yet. Friday is my last day at fpa; I’m technically on holiday. I’m being paid to sit around at home.

Hmmm. Well, it’s pretty boring, to be honest. I’m in no way making the most of it, but part of that inertia is due to an unfinished job application. I can’t do any fun stuff while it remains undone; yet doing it… tedious. Necessary, but tedious. Worthy, but dull. Hence, sitting at home, drinking tea, listening to radio 4, doing bits and pieces on the application, and the flat, and emailing my friends. Who are all employed, so not exactly instant responses (although there are some honourable exceptions, who are gallantly putting aside their work to entertain me).

Burly’s position is by no means secure, so I’m going to have to get my skates on and write why I have the personal skills and qualities necessary to do this well paid and demanding job. I’m feeling quite stressed about it, as this is the first thing I’ve seen in the past couple of months that I feel pretty qualified for, yet deep down, I’m not sure if I’d get it (on paper yes – in person, I’m probably a bit too chubby, and it would be immediately apparent that I’m not quite sporty enough, I fear). But there is literally nothing else, so perhaps I’m spinning it out as long as I can to make myself feel like I’m doing something. Procrastinating, just for a change. It’s not good, and I’m going to get it done this afternoon. There.

It’s not good though. I was very grumpy, for no good reason, with Burly last night. I feel guilty about being at home all day while he’s working away and not really enjoying it, with the fear of the end of his probation looming. I don’t want to leave Glasgow, so I’m going to have to get a job – this job, preferably. Right – am off to do my application.